Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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