he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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