You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
