It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
