At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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