Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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