if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
