I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
