I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
