I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
