Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
