Duck Duck Cougar?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
