It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
