Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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