FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
