WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
