remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm both gender and math confused
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
