Can i not drive my cunt home
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
