so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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