We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
