I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This is my gift to your gina
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I am naked and annoyed.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
