Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
