i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
