I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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