I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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