Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There's a naked man in my car right now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
