Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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