I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
