guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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