We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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