sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
