I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
