Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
