all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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