New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
