I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
