Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
