Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
