Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
