I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
