Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
