I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
