Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
