I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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