Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
