Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
