My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
