So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
