Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
