I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
