Everything about him screamed your future.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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